RELINQUISHING ATTACHMENTS: THE UNEXPECTED PAY-OFFS

I had an extraordinary experience of relinquishing an attachment, which had eluded me all these years. The trickiest attachments are, of course the ones, which our ego keeps from our awareness, hence the inability to let go. This experience has really taught me about the cost of having attachments.

I had searched for my daughter for several years, so when she was 30 years old, I had to come to terms with the possibility that maybe she had no desire to find me. Where she was adopted, I believed the adoption files had already been open for several years (Mouvement Retrouvailles), so I concluded that if she had registered with the post-adoption registry, a match would have been made by now.

I had never wanted to impose myself on her. Not knowing the circumstances of her childhood, there was always the possibility that she didn’t know she was adopted. I didn’t want to upset her life in any way. So, for these, among, other reasons, I had always wished that she would find me first. However, I had now reached a place within myself where I was contemplating letting go of the dream altogether. Having surrendered this child for adoption had impacted my life on all levels, and coloured every event so far. I concluded that perhaps the time had come for me to surrender her again.

This time however, I would also be closing the door on the past, as well as giving up any desire for, and all preoccupations with receiving news about her in the future. In other words I would now live life in the present.

As I was contemplating this new approach, I realized how much of my life had been spent in limbo, held back by an unfinished grief. I became aware of how much I had in common with families of ‘missing persons’, whose grief, for practical reasons can also not be completed. The door, which is left open ajar with the faint hope of finding the loved one still alive, is inadvertently preventing the grief from being concluded. The final stage of which is ‘acceptance’. Elizabeth Kubler Ross described this frame of mind as, having no unfinished business with the past, thus preventing future projections and therefore, the only way to be present in our lives.

Families of missing persons keep hope alive by maintaining personal effects undisturbed. Tangible these things are and in plain view. I on the other hand had entrusted to memory all the details, which I had carefully gathered about the era and history of her birth. Every scrap of mental memorabilia protected from ever disappearing, through an ongoing emotionally charged remembrance. Keeping vigil on the memory would serve to maintain the illusion of relationship.

Although I understood intellectually that I had made a responsible choice in having surrendered my child for adoption, still, on the unconscious level this had not been fully integrated. Therefore, it was the gulf between these two levels that created the state of limbo that prevented me from reaching acceptance, the final stage of grief.

I had begun this trek down memory lane in the early hours of the morning, before the mind becomes busy with the normal concerns of the day. With the freedom to wander, my mind had started on an unusual course, away from its habitual pattern. When thinking about my daughter, one of my greatest fears had always been that I might never see her again. This time, to my astonishment, I heard myself think, “what if that was for the best”? I began, for the first time to consider the up side of this outcome. I could let go of my need to know her and trust that she was enjoying a good life. I felt as though I had stepped through a doorway and was now able to see the situation from a higher perspective.

Then, the most amazing thing happened. As though in a dream state, I saw myself handing over the baby to someone standing in front of me. I became the observer, watching as someone else now held the baby. As though this was the first time that I was actually separated from her, I could now see the back of her head, and her little body in a pink outfit, as her new mother held her. The whole scene was simply surreal. In that instant I had completely surrendered her and any notion of ever being reunited with her again. I felt surprisingly peaceful.

What happened next was nothing short of a miracle. Three weeks after having surrendered my child again, I received news that my daughter’s long search for me had finally yielded results. The young social worker that contacted me admitted her puzzlement at having found my file, as if it had suddenly appeared on top of the pile.

Nevertheless, Soon after, my daughter and I were reunited. Neither one were quite ready, but both willing to experience the roller coaster of emotions to be expected. As it turned out, my daughter had known she was adopted since early childhood. Her search for me had been delayed because she had been given false information, not because she hadn’t wanted to find me.

At the time of her birth, in Quebec it was customary for government agencies to falsify children’s personal information on their adoption records. My daughter’s adoptive parents had been told that they were adopting an orphan. She had grown up believing that I was dead. She was in her late twenties before she found out, quite by accident, that I could still be alive. She began a search for me, which took three years before a match was made.

I have told this story many times, and I still don’t know why it took me so many years to realize that I was unconsciously holding up the reunion process. Nothing less than a complete letting go of the baby from my consciousness was required in order to make room for the adult to appear.

Here, I can only surmise that the act of letting go must be a complete 100% unconditional venture, without any reservation whatsoever. A mere act of will does not suffice. Rather, all levels of consciousness must be in agreement, to prevent our ego from granting permanent status to that which is by nature impermanent.

I now realize that this is a perfect example of how far the ego’s addictive preoccupation with proof of its independent existence is willing to go. Most of us have heard the expression, “addicts don’t have relationships, they only take hostages”. Well, in this case, the ego held the baby hostage, with shame and fear as its favourite accomplices to maintain the illusion of relationship, craftily installed just below the surface of everyday awareness.

The question then becomes, what would it take to blow this out of the water? What could cause the ego to lose its grip on the false sense of independent existence, which holds the view of having originated on its own, thereby maintaining separateness?

The short answer is that we normally realize in hindsight that a particular situation had caused us to override the ego attachment, which had previously blocked the healing process. Regardless of the circumstances that provoked such an unfamiliar reaction in the individual, the only motivation capable of bypassing any ego attachment is altruistic in nature.

Altruism is the method by which we momentarily forget our own suffering and instead are present to the suffering of others. That is how we experience our full interdependence. That’s compassion, which fosters a strong sense of responsibility to alleviate the suffering of others.

At some point each of us will encounter an event that will create a turning point in our lives and so provide the opportunity for such a quantum leap. Here is how the causes and conditions came together to allow me to have such an experience.

HOW THE FAMILY CHART WAS BORN

In July 2004, the government of Alberta sent out flyers to every home announcing changes in legislation concerning adoption records.

I knew these changes were coming. I had caught a 15 second public service announcement as parts of news brief a couple of weeks earlier.

Perhaps it was because I heard the news in French that my immediate instinctual response was for the plight of the elderly in the Franco – Albertan community.

In an instant I envisioned an elderly woman with white soft curls looking shocked beyond belief, as she stood before a stranger on her doorstep claiming to be her biological offspring.

I knew how much preparation was required for a reunion with a child surrendered for adoption so long ago. I had already been through such an experience four years earlier.

So when the flyer arrived in the mail, announcing the new legislation, I realized that this information was being delivered in English only, in accordance with Alberta Law. The Child, Youth and Family Enhancement Act was coming into force, and interested parties had until November 1st to file a disclosure veto, to keep their identifying information from being made public. Since it was being delivered with junk mail, with barely three months left to make such an important decision, I cringed at the thought of this vital information not reaching those who needed it most. The elderly living in lodges, or other shared accommodations were also not likely to be made aware of this new development.

My mind raced back to the elderly woman with the white hair. I wondered what might be her story. She could be an older version of myself, having given birth to a child in a Francophone community, unwed and shamed into surrendering her child for adoption, as was customary back then. With religious and social taboos in cahoots, under the law dating back to the 1920’s, the court sealed adoption records. Biological mothers were assured confidentiality and were made to believe that a reunion with their child in the future was not likely. Admonished from ever even trying to do so, the chapter was to be closed permanently, and all appropriate feelings and emotions were supposed to be flash-frozen.

The old woman appeared to me as the archetype of all the women who had never been able to conclude the grief of such an unmentionable loss. Undoubtedly, each story is unique and personal. However, the elements of betrayal, shame and psychic numbing are also omnipresent throughout each.

I was able to maintain the vision of this generous archetypal figure, fully aware of the privilege of being invited to share in her moment. I witnessed her pain, as she was unable to prevent the instant thawing of all the unexpressed emotions of the past. She was clearly not prepared to deal with this. Bringing her consciousness back to her present day reality, she was also concerned about her family who didn’t know. The fall-out would be monumental.

I felt such compassion. I just wanted to remove her pain. Although I had been blessed with a happy reunion four years earlier, I was still not eager to discuss my situation indiscriminately. I was still very guarded. However, the incident with the flyer in my mailbox had had a transforming effect on me. Suddenly, I was willing to by-pass the self-consciousness and fear of self- disclosure. I reached out to the Francophone community through the media, hoping to alert those who might not have heard about these changes, whether due to the language barrier or for other reasons.

Incidentally, I was rather taken aback by the resistance I encountered when I approached the editor of one particular French newspaper. As this was a monthly publication and the only official source of information printed in French, time was of the essence to have my article included in the next month’s issue. I found myself having to explain that it was actually the responsibility of this newspaper to announce a change in legislation that was bound to affect so many. There appeared to be a lack of interest or information. Perhaps it was just an indication that the subject of adoption was still very much taboo in our society, and to a great extent still is. In any case, the article was published on time and I felt empowered and strengthened by the experience.

I felt liberated. I had a sense of freedom I had never believed possible during all those years. I could hardly recognize myself. I went from a place of fear and doubt, to activist. I had gotten out of my own way. As humans, whenever we go beyond our immediate sphere of self and experience compassion, as we allow ourselves to feel the other’s pain, our own pain diminishes. The gift is really to us.

During the weeks that followed, as I was contacting the network of agencies and organizations that provide services to the elderly in the Franco- Albertan community, something else was taking shape in my own consciousness. I was becoming aware that my life’s work was about to reveal a pre-ordained purpose. That is, pre-ordained by the desires of my heart. I soon realized that my education, training and career so far, formed the nexus for my new endeavour. My fascination with family dynamics had led me to develop counseling methods that also incorporated other family members in order to shed light on the individual’s soul journey and psychological development. In short, this is known as transformative psychology.

Early on in my career, I had been amazed at how people could transform their lives by having the willingness to change their perception on their situation. The operative word here being ‘willingness’.

When the individual can see herself / himself as part of a learning group that came together to contribute to each other’s soul healing and development, the result is a shift of focus from blame to responsibility. This notion has been around for a long time. The Buddha first called it karma. It is a most empowering realization as it facilitates a move from seeing oneself as a mere victim of circumstances and affords instead the freedom to execute change.

The tools that seemed most useful to me in acquiring a broader perspective on family dynamics had come from the science and spiritual philosophy of numbers. I had developed the skillful art of interpretation of the individual as well as the family chart. Now I could visualize the chart in color. Numbers used in conjunction with assigned colors would create a grid indicating similarities and differences between members of the biological and adoptive families. The whole concept of soul attraction to one’s family would be striking.

I proceeded to do my own family chart. I computed the data (names and birth dates) from my own family of origin and that of my daughter’s adoptive family and color-coded the results. What a revelation! Even without the ability to interpret the philosophy of numbers, the display of colors alone spoke volumes.

I knew that there would be many applications for this chart. It could be used to gain a deeper understanding of the dynamics involved throughout all relationships including:

• Family of origin
  
• One’s own family with spouse and children
  
• Step family
  
• Post adoption family
  
• Groups in the work place

At the very least, this wonderful tool will help to generate communication and encourage dialogue. It can also provide a frame of reference and help mediate conflict. Certainly, it will help individuals to identify ties of kinship.

I can’t help but think that destiny had a hand in this project. Now, when I look at a family chart, I see sheet music for a symphony whose final note has yet to be written.

Letting go of the baby to allow the adult to come in had actually led me to the next ego attachment that would need to be relinquished. Here I am referring to the identity that was formed around the sense of loss. Whenever we identify with a story from the past, our true identity is kept from our awareness as well as the ability to feel compassion for ourselves.

The circumstances that had permitted me to glimpse the reality of our true nature of interdependence had been provoked by an altruistic desire, which in turn added a whole new dimension to my work in the field of psycho genealogy. Thus, the fruit of renunciation revealed itself through the creation of the ‘family dynamics chart’.

Celine's Family Dynamics Chart 

This essay is an excerpt from a speech delivered by Celine in May 2008 at the annual Birthmother’s day breakfast, hosted by Adoption Options of Calgary.